Have you had any fantasies during lockdown? They’re completely harmless, right? I know Futzy and the Bitch have a strong marriage, so I’m not worried about them at all.
I’m a parent – no, really, it’s true – and let me tell you, no-one could be more shocked than I. Does every father live as I do, in constant dread of the hand on the shoulder and the words “Sorry sir, been a bit of a mix-up”? Or the inevitable letter from the Department of Ensuring All Destinies Run As They Should (DEADRATS), clarifying that only individuals of the highest mental and emotional calibre are permitted to have children, and that as a Grade-3 Minor Idiot (Category B), I unfortunately don’t qualify?
The lament is often heard that children don’t come with an instruction manual. That sounds reasonable, but it’s total BS coming from a dad. Because dads don’t read manuals anyway. We just pick up the DVD recorder, hedge strimmer, or 15-month-old baby girl, and expect it to operate within specified manufacturing parameters.
But being a dad is incredibly hard. Since I never seem to hear any other dads saying this – they’re too busy romping off with their sons on 6am camping expeditions, or teaching their daughters kung-fu – I assume there was some sort of no-complaining clause in the paperwork that I never received because of the whole mix-up by DEADRATS. Or else those other dads are just better than me.
Maybe, though, they’re not: maybe they’re more like icebergs, just 10% showing above the surface, but underneath, they’re paddling like crazy. Or do I mean swans? Possibly ducks? Hard to say. What is an analogy, after all, but a pig with five legs? The point is, possession doesn’t automatically confer expertise. Just because you own a few kids doesn’t mean you know how to operate them. That takes years – and even then, you’re probably only familiar with a fraction of their functions.
Of course the rewards of parenthood are among the most wonderful experiences this world can offer (and I speak here as someone who has seen the Northern Lights dozens of times, on Youtube). Every evening when I get in from work I’m greeted by stampeding feet and the giddy, affectionate sounds of happiness. But that’s enough about the dog. The kids might look up briefly from the TV too, if I’m lucky.
Sadly, though, there are no DEADRATS watching over us. DEADRATS don’t exist at all, unless, possibly, maybe in the health service somewhere. It’s entirely up to us to make sure things Run As They Should. But as the philosopher-poet Ralph W. Emerson said, “Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”
Hard as it is to take advice from a guy whose middle name is Waldo, I think that where parenting is concerned, there’s no other choice.
Have you seen those strange Wish adverts that pop up all over Facebook? Ever wondered what that’s all about? Here Futzy and the Bitch (aka Ariel and Chris) explain it all. With pictures.
Paul (the performer) is based in London, where he is variously employed as an osteopath, a baker of unusual cakes, and a creator of comedy such as in the video below. The cinematographer is Steve Kirkham. This is interpretive dance with a difference!
Here’s a cautionary, and true, romantic story.
Seán and Jenny had a wild romance: fiery, adventurous, hungry… especially hungry. They both loved fine food and tried to visit a nice restaurant at least once a week.
Giddy on passion and reckless zest, they developed an eating-out routine which combined their shared taste for theatrics with a soupçon of adrenalin. This involved Seán rising from his seat mid-dessert and sinking to one knee before Jenny, producing with a flourish the unmistakable, iconic cube of a ring box, as every eye in the place turned to watch this age-old human fairytale.
They were good actors, and invariably Jenny’s happy Oh-darling-I-do! would elicit a round of applause. More importantly, it also brought material benefits: free drinks, at least, and sometimes – you’d be surprised how often – a torn-up bill. Cakes were produced, waitresses sang songs. There are at least three upmarket bistros in Dublin where you can still see, pinned up behind the bar, a yellowing Polaroid of the allegedly betrothed, toasting their fictitious future with champagne donated by the beaming manager who’s embracing them both.
Even if their romantic hamming hadn’t moved the boss, some well-to-do fellow patron might pull out his credit card, spurred to generosity by this sentimental reminder of the beauty and optimism of l’amour even in our uncaring, dog-eat-dog age. The world will always welcome lovers, after all.
On holidays the pair fished for every conceivable freebie by claiming to be on honeymoon. They even brought props to support their Bonnie-and-Clyde sham: wedding cards, a bridal veil, leftover confetti. Happy, daring, aphrodisiac times ensued.
But of course they were playing with fire. Not just the fire of potential discovery, but the fire that smoulders, usually undetected, in the hearts of the young and infatuated. The lie oft-repeated became an internalised truth. Jenny made certain assumptions, subconscious perhaps but no less important for that. Seán meanwhile remained blissfully non-committal as the years whizzed by and the pretend engagements mounted.
It could only end one way. After five years they parted. Badly.
Five more years passed, years of hard graft, hard knocks. Lessons were learned on both sides. And finally there was a reunion. In a different restaurant, surrounded by another crowd of strangers, peace was made. Dessert was ordered. And Seán produced another little jewellery box – this time for real.
Tears in her eyes, Jenny rose to her feet. “Too late, darling, too late,” was all she whispered as she walked away. There was no applause. Seán quickly settled the bill, dozens of sympathetic watchers pretending not to see, and left.
Ash Reddington is a talented Irish actor, writer and filmmaker who is based in New York City. In this short comedy film, her character Svetlana goes window shopping in Manhattan during lockdown.
You can find out more about Ash at her Backstage page.
The Diary of a Nobody at the King’s Head Theatre, 20 January 2015 – 14 February 2014
The Diary of a Nobody, the story of Charles Pooter, was published as a series of articles and illustration in Punch during the late 19th Century, and was written by brothers George and Weedon Grossmith. There have been numerous stage, screen and radio adaptations over the intervening years, often differing wildly in interpretation, for instance Keith Waterhouse’s play, featuring Judy Dench and Michael Williams, told the story from the point of view of Pooter’s wife Carrie.
As would be expected, Rough Haired Pointer have their own take on the story. This starts with the design (Karina Nakaninsky and Christopher Hone): both set and costumes are constructed to resemble the black and white drawings in the original work. Secondly, the adaptation and direction (Mary Franklin) splits the action between four characters in an interesting way (the narration, as Pooter, is shared by all four, for instance), and thirdly the sheer madcap mayhem and silliness of the production was extremely refreshing.
The cast consisted of four male actors, which did add slightly to the Pythonesque atmosphere of the piece, although I’m sure it could work equally well with women also. Jake Curran played Charles Pooter throughout, which lent a much needed anchor to the play, amidst the constantly changing characters around him. He did an excellent job of conveying both poignancy and humour. Jordan Mallory-Skinner played Carrie throughout, although he did morph briefly into three other characters. Again, he gave a sympathetic and amusing portrayal of the character, and, although not dragged up in any way other than the costume and a pair of earrings, at times I found myself forgetting he was not really a woman!
All the remaining characters were played by Geordie Wright and George Fouracres. Wright did have a main character of sort, in Sarah, the maid, but he played many others also, and Fouracres was continually changing parts, although perhaps his role as Lupin, the Pooters’ son, is the one that most sticks in my mind. These two actors contributed a lot of the over-the-top hilarity which was a characteristic of the production, and both displayed great comic flair, as indeed did Curran and Mallory-Skinner. The chaotic fun was enhanced by the staging: little touches such as having the cast pour glasses of rice from a wine bottle and try to drink it, and the postman carrying a letter box with him as well as a letter to put through it. There was also some audience participation involved. In addition, there was quite a bit of corpsing, which strangely just made the play even funnier.
The Diary of a Nobody is closing at the King’s Head tonight, so do pop down and see it if you can, or look out for future productions (the current one is a transfer from the White Bear). For more information, visit www.kingsheadtheatrepub.co.uk or www.roughhairedpointer.com.
Photographs courtesy of Rocco Redondo
I was tempted to call this piece “It’s a Desperate Book,” just for fun. But it would have been misleading, because it’s not a desperate book, unless you mean desperately good, desperately funny, or desperately hard to put down.
Frankie Flynn, the book’s main character, first appeared in a play called Quare Times. In its first full production, I was delighted to be cast in the role of Susan, and I happily described the play to anyone who asked as “a Dublin version of Alf Garnett crossed with a lesbian version of Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner, with me playing Sidney Poitier.” I did not know at the time that Quare Times would be just the first of a series, and that Frankie would go on to have many more adventures.
Peter Hammond, who was at that time the director of the London Irish Centre in Camden, went on to write several more plays in the series, and after the first production, the role of Frankie was always played by Owen Nolan, to whom (along with the author’s father) this book is dedicated. Owen contributed a lot to the development of the character, and will always be the definitive Frankie Flynn.
What Peter has done with this book is to take the characters and events from these plays, expand them, link them together, and transform them into a well-written comic novel. The first-person narrative gives an entirely different feel to the main character, and we see the other people in the world of the fictional Dublin district, the Daymo, through his eyes. All the characters are well delineated, and very funny, in their own right, and the book is full of hilarious lines, such as “Ya’d lick it (beer) off a scabby leg” – Peggy (his wife) talking to Frankie.
The novel has a softer, more relaxed feel than the plays: tending to be slightly less uproarious and more gently amusing. That said, it also has more of a roller-coaster feel, as the main character plunges from one situation to another. Hearing the stories through Frankie’s words, and using the through story of a proposed move to the suburbs brings the disparate stories into a coherent whole. Strangely, I find myself reminded of Keith Waterhouse’s equally charismatic character, Billy Liar.
This is an excellent first novel, which I predict will be but the first of many by this talented writer. It’d be a desperate shame not to read it.
Anyone who knows me reasonably well will be aware of my penchant for Python (almost to the point of annoyance sometimes to those who don’t share my sense of humour), so, as you can imagine, I was looking forward to this film enormously. Unfortunately, I am still looking forward to it! Due to technical hitches with both the 3D and 2D versions, the press screening failed to take place at the allotted time, and the press conference went ahead with the majority of journalists present (myself included) not having seen the film. Which could be described as just a little bit silly …..
Director Bill Jones described Graham Chapman’s memorial service as the first time he got drunk, and spoke of the film as a way of celebrating Chapman’s life and achievements. Terry Jones spoke of Graham as a complex individual who didn’t really understand himself and who was looking for who he was. Michael Palin described the film as a homage to Graham, and confirmed that it was as close to a Python reunion as we were ever likely to get. Both spoke of Graham’s sense of stillness, and described him as their leading actor. As the press hadn’t seen the film yet, a lot of the questions from the floor were more generally about the Python oeuvre than specifically about the film in question, which led to some interesting reminiscing such as Terry Jones describing smuggling the tapes of Series I out of the BBC to copy on a Phillips VCR before they were destroyed.
The screening has been rescheduled for 4pm this afternoon, but unfortunately one of my other jobs prevents my attending (plug for The Castle at the Lord Stanley in Camden, opening tonight:) but I can tell you that the film uses audio recordings of Graham’s reading of his book, subtitled The Untrue Story of Monty Python’s Graham Chapman, combined with different styles of animation to reflect the different styles of humour, with fourteen different animation studios being involved in the production. Not having seen it yet, I cannot give an informed opinion as to it’s watchability, but with John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Michael Palin and Terry Jones all involved (Terry Jones plays Graham’s mother, apparently), not to mention the late Graham Chapman (as himself) I know I definitely will be giving it a viewing as soon as I get the chance.
And now for something completely different.
A Liar’s Autobiography is showing tonight at 9pm at Leiceister Square Empire and on Friday at VUE West End at 3pm as part of the London Film Festival.