Merry New Year to all of you! I went AWOL for a good reason there – to be revealed in the next column as The Most Socially Awkward Thing I Did in 2020 and Ever.* In any case, here we are. Locked down. Again. The third time over. Well, it’s more like the second time, as the time before this didn’t really count. Or did it? Time is a bit hazy at the moment. I find my mind reverts back to our Southern Hemisphere, South African calendar in a Clockwork Orange-type blip from time to time. Is it the start of the school year? Is it the end? What’s happening? It feels like July, but it’s not. Will summer ever come back? If I start posting pictures of crossed out I I I Is send help!
At least this time I’m allowed alcohol. Counting down the days till my Kahlua arrives. I plan on making copious amounts of Dom Pedros.** The older children have asked for banana bread. This is such old news for me, I’ve decided that we’re clearing a shelf in our front entrance little room which is as cold as a fridge.*** This shelf will be dedicated to all things baking. I’m going full Martha Stewart this round of lockdown – minus the securities fraud and Snoop Dogg collab. Expect a slew of overnight and two day fermented yeast baked good pictures if you follow me on Instagram.****
Other coping slash distraction mechanisms include binge watching series. Schitt’s Creek has opened up a world of meme-age.***** We’re onto Brooklyn 99 now. It’s making me regret not going into the police service and becoming a detective (that is one of my lesser-known regrets – I think I would have made a very good detective. I also have a queue of schmaltzy 90s and 2000s romantic comedies to get through; Sweet Home Alabama ticked off that list. Mental chewing gum is where it is at.
Seriously though, what are you doing to cope? Retail therapy is dire. No more middle aisle shopping at Aldi and Lidl. Who the fuck classified that as not essential? Can we have a word, please and thank you? I’m still on Amazon – yes, with my Prime account intact. I spent a couple of days doing calculations and comparisons with .de; shipping is a monster, yoh! Still cheaper on Prime. And for those of you buy-local loyalists, the money I save buying on Prime gets spent on (Michael McIntyre Voice) spicey bags (normal voice) at the village takeaway. My version of shop local.******
In any case, fuck Brexit. Really. I don’t say much about it publicly, but I am sad it actually happened. I’m sad for all that could have been and now never will be. I’m sad for people who believe they’re so much better than everybody else that they put walls up, slam doors shut, and retreat. Small people with small minds. Nationalism turned disease. There, I said it. Ugh. In protest, I check out my items on Amazon one by one,******* while I watch my romcoms, eating alcoholic milkshakes and dreaming of UBI and communal gardens.
Welcome to 2021, everybody. The year we all eat less and walk more. Or not.
*As in EVER.
**Discovered this is a Very South African thing. Basically, adult milkshakes. Double cream, ice cream, and whiskey whizzed up together. Can substitute whiskey for Kahlua, Baileys, Frangelico, etc. I might try a chocolate/orange combo.
***We could right now skate on our swimming pool. Yes, the above ground pool is still up. Totally ran out of fucks to give.
****Don’t follow me on Instagram. Most vanilla happy-snap account ever – more for my own amusement. Twitter is where it’s at – JustCallMePips.
*****David Rose is a gift.
******Just go with it.
*******Avoid VAT and import duties: tick with Prime. You’re welcome.